Waste
by Kerantli
Summary: Severus Snape never really did care for his needs, they had always been there in the back of his mind, but always ignored since his later adulthood.
1. Chapter 1

So I'm back, with another Paraphilia Challenge fic.

Once again, do not own anything you recognise, they belong to JK Rowling.

* * *

Severus Snape never really did care for his sexual needs, they had always been there in the back of his mind, but always ignored since his later adulthood. He had never felt the pull to fulfil them with anyone but the one person, and even then he had kept quiet about it until they were comfortable together. He had been called odd from such a tender age, he felt as if he would have been cast out if he came clean about his fantasies.

That is, until he knew he was close to his death.

It was a stormy night, he had been pushed to the edge and back by the fresh onslaught of students he had to teach potions, and after the 5th melted cauldron, Severus had finally decided that book work will be the most simple option by the time it came to the dual class of Slytherin and Gryffindor at the end of the school day. He couldn't face the imbecile Longbottom melting anything or making something else explode. The last time he had let the snivelling Gryffindor near a potion, Longbottom had turned his clothing invisible!

Swilling the dark coloured liqueur in his glass, Severus pulled a spare bit of parchment towards him. He stared at the blank page, wondering where to start. He took a swig of the Firewhiskey in his glass, the burning in his throat clearing his head.

* * *

_Severus,_

_If I could go back and tell you that you would become the most feared Potions Professor in Hogwarts just months after you left there, you would probably have me locked up. However, I'd also be there to tell you not to let your needs go to waste. However, you are only eight, and don't know what I am on about._

_Remember that time when you and Lily were playing near the stream and Lily had to disappear for a few minutes? And the fact you followed her, only to find her with her skirt hitched up and urinating? Those feelings you felt were the beginnings of something a whole lot bigger than what you ever expected. It isn't a bad thing, however. It never will be a bad thing, you soon learn to control how you react too._

_Remember how you went back to the tumbled down house and hid in your room, drinking more water than you ever had before wetting yourself? Yes, that also stops after a while. You never told anyone what you did, and it was a good thing you never did. People have been thrown into Azkaban for worse and better things than what you enjoy._

_All I can say, is enjoy it while you can. The childish innocence around the whole process of urinating, let it last. Don't go looking for something that might not be there in the first place. You will find out soon enough if it is really for you, or it's just the way your brain is wired. Never let anyone tell you you're wrong though. That isn't the way life should be lived._

_It shouldn't be lived in fear either. If you find the right person, share it then, if you don't, keep it to yourself. Don't make the same mistakes as you get older as I did._

_I bid you goodbye._

_Severus - Age too old._


	2. Chapter 2

He sat back in the chair, thinking about what he had just wrote. It didn't feel right, but at the same time, it did. Letting out all the frustrations he had been holding for so long seemed to make the world feel lighter than it had since before he uttered the nasty word that had driven Lily right into Potter's arms.

Severus took another deep drink, refilling the glass when all he drank was air. Thinking of his teen years was even more challenging than thinking of his childhood, being thrust into a dorm of 4 other boys and being made to share a bathroom with them had been more challenging than what was expected. He could still hear the teasing he had endured with the hours he spent alone, either in the library or outside to get away from the constant feeling of horniness. He knew the other teens had called him every name under the sun, the main perpetrator being James Potter and his three trouble making friends. He still couldn't grasp why Lily had gone to the bespectacled boy, but he also couldn't blame her.

_I can just see you sat in the corner of the library, trying to get the sound of the other boys in the bathroom out of your head. Head buried in a book and only looking up when you felt her presence around you. She looked breathtaking that day, didn't she. Long before Potter got his hands on her and turned her against you. You are now 16, studying hard for the exams that aren't until your last year. She sits next to you, her perfume enveloping your senses, and you're suddenly transported back to when you were eight, watching her through bushes._

_She asks what you're doing, and you reply in the usual sarcastic way, not noticing the hurt look on her face. You hear the hurt in her voice though, looking up and seeing tears shining in her eyes from unknown influences. You find her beautiful at that moment, and consider letting her in on your secret. You know that is wasn't just a one off thing, and you wish you could share it with someone. To smell the unique scent, feel it hit flesh. You want to share it with her. But you don't. And you may not ever again._

Severus sat back, growling at the memory. He sat deep in thought before bending back over the parchment, writing out the next memory that made its way into his head.

_Your last year of Hogwarts was a confusing time, even more so with the lack of help from Lily. you didn't even have Lucius Malfoy to help you, apart from through letters. And those letters were the highlight of the week, weren't they. Detailing the misdemeanours he did to Narcissa. There is the one you, even now, keep under your pillow. Dog eared from abuse of being read nightly. You know it off by heart, keeping you saner during the classes you had with the Gryffindors._

_**"Severus,**_

_**I hope I find you well, and I am glad to hear that you have severed ties with that awful Mudblood.**_

_**I on the other hand, introduced Narcissa into a new dimension of our sexual relationship. She resisted at first, but I soon showed her not to disobey a Malfoy, in exactly the same way I showed you, my dear Severus. **_

_**Can you remember the feel of the warmth as it slid down and pooled at your knees? The way you leaned into it, blindfolded and completely at my mercy. I can see you wishing in vain to be in Narcissa's place.**_

_**Soon Severus. Soon you will have it all and more.**_

_**Lucius Malfoy."**_

_You knew exactly what he was insinuating in the letter, and you did want to be in her place. But you never are. He made his choice, and so did you._


	3. Chapter 3

Severus sat back in his hair, an uncomfortable feeling in his heavy trousers reminding him just what had been going through his head. He started to think about marking the vast amount of potions essays, feeling the ache subside into a dull throb. He had partially forgotten about his tryst with Lucius, the only thing keeping it alive in his mind was the letter from the blonde male he kept in his bedside cabinet.

He thought back to the beginning of his teaching career, bargaining with Dumbledore to keep him safe through the terror that was He Who Must Not Be Named. Severus rubbed at his face with rough hands, dipping his quill into ink and pulling out a fresh piece of parchment. If he was going to finish this, he might as well finish it while he still could.

_There were times where you did wish you could go back and restart your school years. Each one starting with confessing to Lily, and living 'happily ever after' with her like you did with your fantasies. Remember the one you had the night before she left you for Potter? I'm sure you do, it still sticks in your mind even now. There wasn't much chance to leave the castle for 'extra curricular activities', most of your time spent avoiding the burning on your arm and the old coot of a headmaster, Dumbledore._

_The one time you got close to another person enough to follow through with your desires, she ran off with someone else, only succeeding in proving you were more unloved than you originally thought. After that, you went back to your chambers and drank yourself into a stupor, and continued to do so on a nightly basis. On the nights you were on patrol, you hid in the shadows of the communal toilets reserved only for teachers, listening to them and thinking back of your younger years of doing the exact same thing._

_Another time was with a whore, someone that was paid to indulge in your personal pleasures. She recoiled at first, calling you every name under the sun until you gagged her and had your monies worth. You felt guilty after, but you soon squashed the feeling. There had been nothing else to do but ignore the pull towards your pleasures, leaving you to rot on the inside and take your anger out on the students._

_You still do, however. There still hasn't been anyone else. You came close with a seventh year student, only regaining your senses after the initial night, all while pressing against their bladder so hard you left bruises. You are still glad you weren't caught, giving them a bruise salve so they didn't spread it through the castle. _

_You hate yourself, you blame yourself for feeling this way. There is no other way around it. You, Severus Snape, enjoy urolagnia. You always have, and you will until the day you die._

Severus dropped the quill, slamming away from his desk and moving to his bed chambers, discarding his clothing and leaving them where they crumpled. He let his mind wander, a dead man's last thoughts so to speak. Letting the images of his life float past his closed eyes. His hand drifted over his body, touching here and there but never the place he wanted it most. He imagined it was Lily's hand, Lucius' hand, the whores body and lips, the students inexperienced touch.

Out of all the experiences he had had, the student was still his favourite. The noises she had made when he touched her, pressed areas that shouldn't be touched. Her brown hair spread over his body as she slept, her bitten nails tracing patterns even in her sleep. Waking her up the next morning and demanding she left had been another big mistakes of his life. She had left without a goodbye, graduating the next day with top marks. Severus blindly reached for the vial that rested on the bedside table, popping it open and downing the contents.

Death would be painless, he would pass away in his sleep, dreaming of the girl and murmuring her name with his last breath.

"Hermione."


	4. Chapter 4

No one had been alerted of Severus' death, only finding out when Dumbledore went looking for the potions master. Classes had been cancelled for over a week to sort out funeral arrangements, and to let the teachers and students grieve. Dumbledore had contacted Draco Malfoy over the retrieving of Severus' possessions, knowing the young blonde had a special connections to the dour man.

Draco moved around the chambers, noticing it looked exactly the same as it had the last time Draco was in there. Nothing was missing that he could see, packing the items in a special bag his wife had given him. She had declined joining him, claiming that her pregnancy had her too uncomfortable to survive a floo trip. Draco suspected it had something to do with seeing Hogwarts and Dumbledore again, bringing up bad memories. He gathered up the parchment from the desk and shrunk it down, Severus had always said Draco could have the desk if he ever died. Tears sprang to his eyes as he remembered his god father, taking one last look around the chambers he had spent many an evening in with Severus before turning and leaving.

The box had been left untouched for almost two months now, Draco had looked at it daily, thinking that that day would be the day he went through and organised it. His wife had given birth not long after he had collected the possessions, and his days and nights had been spent helping her recuperate and make sure the baby was well fed and changed on time.

By the time Draco had finally opened the box, a thin layer of dust had settled on everything. He took out the desk and enlarged it, placing it in the corner of his office and letting it rest there before looking back into the box and seeing the three letters Severus had written the night before his death. Draco felt bad for thinking about reading them, but curiosity got the best of him.

He recoiled in horror at the letters, seeing his god father and his father in a new light as he read on. By the time he got to the last page, he knew more about his god father than he ever had before. He didn't know what to think about it all, but knew that Severus had killed himself from the guilt and the pain of what his god father liked in the bedroom. Draco would have done the same if he hadn't found someone to share it with. He folded the letters carefully and slipped them into his pocket, searching the large manor for his wife, finding her in the bedroom nursing their young son.

"I went through Uncle Severus' items today, and found these," he told her, holding out the papers and taking his son into his arms. His wife looked up at him and took the letters, unfolding them and reading, her cheeks flushing.

"Draco, they are his personal things, how would you feel if your son or someone else looked through your things if you had died?" she asked, still not looking up from the letters. She had got to the last one, memories flooding back to her about the night she had spent with the potions master.

"Hermione, you don't happen to know who the student was, do you?" Draco asked, merely curious to know. Hermione kept silent, tears springing to her eyes.

"Hermione?" he asked again, placing his son into the bassinet next to the bed and kneeling next to the chair Hermione was in, "what's wrong?"

"I am the girl he wrote about, the student in the letters. I knew what was happening, and knew it was wrong, but Draco, I wanted him. I shouldn't have wanted him, but I did," she was in tears by the end of her spiel, her face buried into her hands. Draco felt a mixture of anger and sadness bubble inside him at her words, moving to bundle her into his arms and holding her close.

"We have all made mistakes, Hermione. Don't let your time with Uncle Severus be one of yours," Draco murmured into her ear, "he never regretted it, he just regretted sending you away the way he did, look."

Draco pointed at the last page, smoothing Hermione's hair.

"Thank you for being understanding, I know he was a part of your family, and a big part of your life," Hermione rested her head on his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I hope his name sake does have better luck than he ever had," she added as an after thought.

"He will, he has the Malfoy charm and the Granger intelligence. He'll have the world begging at his feet in no time," Draco smiled, kissing Hermione on the forehead and standing to place her on the bed, "get some rest, I'll take care of Severus Jr. if he wakes."

Hermione smiled, falling into a deep sleep and dreaming of her once dour potions master and the night they had shared together.


End file.
